I remember when I learned that my mom's cancer was terminal. Terminal -- what a miserable word. I was 39 years old at the time and I was angry. Anger is one of the five stages of grief. I think that I spent a lot of time in that stage. My mom was still alive, but I new that it was just a matter of time until she would be gone.
Last night I was standing in the parking lot of a place I like to go on Friday evenings. I was there with a few friends and they were all talking about their moms. I started to wonder if they all realized just how fortunate they are to still have their moms. It really made me miss my mom -- even more than usual. According to my oldest and dearest friend Annie, my mom is always with me. I do believe that up to a point. While no one can ever take away the wonderful (and not so wonderful) memories that I have, it just isn't the same as having her here.
When I knew that my mom was going to die, my friend Lillie B. told me, "as you go through life, you will find that God will put other women in your life to mother you." She was right about that. No one can truly be my mom, but I have been blessed with some wonderful and amazing women who always seem to be there when I am caught between Scylla and Charybdis. They are both my sisters in sobriety and level-headed nurturing women who love me and want me to succeed.
I am starting my junior year of college in about 1 1/2 weeks. I often wonder what my mom thinks of me and the person I have become. I am so very grateful that she lived to see me as a sober person. My mom was one person who always encouraged me to follow my dreams. She told me that I could do anything I wanted if I "set my mind to it." I like to think that I am honoring her memory by being a 50 year old determined college student. I hope that she is proud of me. I spent so many years seeking her approval, yet doing so many things that would insure that I would not get it. I vividly remember her looking at me one day in 1983 and saying, "I may not agree with the choices you make and I may not always approve of the way you live your life, but you are my daughter and I will always love you."
I wish that she could be here to enjoy her grandchildren and now her great-grandchild. I am fairly certain that she and Emmalyn Ruby would fall in love with each other. She would be so proud of the men that David and Danny have become. And I know that she would find Holly as beautiful and as wonderful as we do.
It makes me angry that "Neverwas" (my new name for him) is alive and well and enjoying his family. I have worked so hard to overcome this resentment. The anger and hurt has eased somewhat, but it is still there. Maybe it will always be there to some extent. I am making progress one step and one day at a time. I think that's what life is about. Enjoy your family (both birth family and recovery family), show respect for others, help those less fortunate, speak the truth, and fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
I love both of my families and I am grateful for the women who love me and help me on my journey. I have also found father figures and a "big brother" as well. That is for another post though.
Until next time . . .
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